We were talking in class today about becoming your parents, which made me think of something that happened a couple of weeks ago. I was watching after my nephew, and I had to discipline him. I found myself saying to him the very same thing my mother said to me when I was a child. As soon as it flew out of my mouth, I knew it was happening, but I was strangely calm about it. My mom was great, and did a good job balancing being my disciplinarian and my friend. There are worse people for me to turn into (namely, my father).
I feel like as I get older, I analyze my actions more and relate them to my parents. I see myself doing stupid, mean things and see scary flashes of my father. He was controlling, cruel, and an alcoholic; he's everything I don't want to be. Awhile back I had too much to drink and wound up sloppily crying, making me remember all of the times growing up that I witnessed my father doing the very same thing. I do not want to be that person.
Most of all, I wish my mom were still here. I wish I could see her reaction to me in adulthood. I'm sure she would have stories to tell me about my childhood, stories that I could tell to my nephew. And I'm sad that we never got the chance to be friends as adults, because I know we would have been close.
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