Oh yeah, this thing

I don't really know why I abandoned this place, except that I kind of lost my drive to write anything. I developed the space as a place to post important thoughts and remembrances from my life, stuff that I could look back on in later years, but I suppose nothing of importance has really happened lately. I'm resigning myself to the thought that in less than a month I'll be back at school for my senior year. This is terrifying, not so much because it means that I'll need a job in another year, but because I have to write my senior thesis. This is very much a Big Effing Deal, and I'm very much dreading it. I have issues with writing long papers (procrastination is a huge problem), but I know I have no choice but to buck up and do it. But I will admit, it's resting heavily on my mind, along with the fact that I'm going to have a new roommate that I'm wary about.

I'm worried about finances--I've got enough to pay for school and everything, but I'm trying to cut corners since I don't have a job. I nearly bought a new pair of Nikes the other day, because I've been wearing one pair for the past two years. And by wearing, I mean wearing nearly every day. But then I realized that maybe it would be smarter to spend money on jeans, which I absolutely have to have to start school (I only have like two pairs that fit--the others are too big now), instead of buying new shoes when my old ones are still serviceable (if worn).

So, that was a completely boring update, but that's where I am right now. I still have depressive moments where I'm all, "OMG I'm 22 and don't know what to do with my life," or "OMG I'm single and will never be loved," and "OMG I'm so fat." But really, things could be much, much worse, and I know that from experience. I think about what it was like for me as a child, the constance turbulence and emotional chaos and frightening experiences, and compare that to where I am now, and I realize that I am blessed. And I'll figure things out as they come, day by day.

Going Greek

I've been gone for a while to the beach, but here I am once again. I refuse to talk about my personal life right now; there's a lot of things bothering me, things I can't bring myself to write about just yet. So, let me distract myself by blathering on about tv yet again. This week, I'm talking Greek.

The show comes on ABCFamily, and it's an underrated gem. It's unusual in that the show is entirely about college kids; most shows like to feature teenagers in high school and the tumultuous ride that entails, but Greek realizes that college kids have just as many problems and can have way more fun. This season has mostly built up a relationship between frat boy Cappie and sorority princess Casey. I'm not sure why I should want them to be together, or why they even want to be together. We've only seen them be a couple in flashbacks, and that was when they were freshmen (they're seniors now). They were together for like six months, and they were brought apart by the fact that Cappie liked to party and hang out with his brothers more than he liked being an attentive boyfriend to Casey. Three years later, and nothing has changed.

I suppose I can understand why Cappie would still have a thing for Casey--he's the only girl in which he's had a relationship (everyone else has been hookups or casual dating). Casey is also the reason that Cappie stopped being besties with Evan, the guy Casey dated for two years after dumping Cappie. Yes, you heard that right; Casey dated a guy for TWO YEARS after she dated Cappie, and yet she's STILL hung up on a guy she dated for six months. I get that Cappie appeals to Casey's funloving side, that she can be relaxed and comfortable around him. But he's a guy with no known goals in life, no plan, and hell, we don't even know his major or even his real name. Cappie could happily spend the rest of his life throwing back beers in the frat house, but Casey realizes there is more to life than college. We know she cares about her studies, that she has considered careers in law and politics. Though she may have fun with Cappie in the shortterm, eventually the same problems from their first relationship will come back to haunt them.

I'm certain my problems with this coupling will be moot, since Casey/Cappie are most likely endgame. And when they do inevitably get back together, I'll react in much the same way as I did when Kelly and Dylan ended up together on Beverly Hills 90210: with a sigh and an eye roll.

Full of GLEE

Did you watch the premiere episode of Glee last week? If not, head on over to fox.com and watch, because it is AWESOME.

There's so much to love here. Jane Lynch is fabulous as the maniacal cheerleading coach. Cory Monteith is adorable as Finn, the football player turned singer; I recognized Monteith from Kyle XY and loved his character's shout out to Sour Patch Kids. Lea Michele plays Rachel, the type A girl with an amazing voice. She tries so hard to be special, but can't find acceptance in high school (a very familiar sad story).

I'm officially kind of obsessed with this show. I've watched the pilot like five times, downloaded the show's soaring version of "Don't Stop Believing," and watched videos on youtube of behind the scenes footage. I saw Lea Michele demonstrate how to "smile with your eyes," ala Tyra Banks, and now I definitely have a girl-crush on her. Similiarly, Cory Monteith's explanation of how Glee is not a musical made me fall in love a little bit with him, too.

The only thing that sucks is having to wait until September for new episodes. I really wish Fox would push the premiere date up; right now, there's a ton of good buzz about the show, which I'm afraid will be lost by September. I'm also afraid Fox will fuck everything up with this show and drive it into the ground and/or cancel it. I suppose I'll have to wait and see. You know what I'm most looking forward to? Seeing the cast perform "Golddigger." The tiny taste of that in the promo has me longing for more, because it is made of win.

Three

Three years ago today, my beautiful nephew Nathan was born. His birth couldn't have come at a better time for me. It had been a little over a year since my mother died, and I was still sullen and depressed. Nathan's birth changed all that; he showed me that I could l let happiness into my heart, and not dwell on the sadness that haunted me. When I saw his tiny form lying in the basinet at the hospital, it was love at first sight. I am honored to have watched him grow these three years, evolving from the chubby faced baby who was wobbly on his feet to the talkative, sweet, always on-the-go little boy he is today. There is no better sound in the world than that of his giggle, and the words "I love you, Lauwie." He is my favorite person in the world, the one person who can always bring a smile to my lips and cheer me up on my saddest days.

Happy birthday, Nathan. I love you, forever and always.

And, it's over

Thoughts on season finales of my favorite shows:
House--The fact that the Cuddy/House sex was not real was predicted by me. That said, Hugh Laurie's acting sold the revelation for me. The denial, confusion, and fear etched onto his face simply broke my heart. I'm excited to see what happens to House after his stay in the institute, and what that will mean for House's career. Chase/Cameron getting married were adorable (although that must have been awkward for the actors to film, giving their personal history), despite Cameron's general emotional craziness.

Supernatural--Again, I wasn't surprised by anything in this episode--obviously, Ruby was never on Sam's side. I am greatly annoyed that the episode ended with hell opening up, and am eager to see the ramifications of Sam's actions. Also, more Castiel, please. Misha Collins is too hot not to be on my tv.

Gossip Girl--The finale mostly set up plotlines for next season, but luckily they are interesting plotlines. I've been waiting for a mention of Serena's father, and I can only imagine how Blair's face will look when she finds out Georgina is her roommate. Chuck/Blair had best not break up anytime soon, because those two belong to spend eternity deviously scheming while dressed to the nines.

One Tree Hill--They wasted the guest return by Whitey and Karen, but otherwise this was a good episode and should have been the series finale. Everyone got what they wanted--Nathan in the NBA, Lucas/Peyton got married and had their baby, Brooke found love with Julian, and even the minor characters of Chase, Mia, Mouth, and Millie ended up happy. Why should I tune in next season when all of this positive movement will inevitably be torn apart?

Heroes--So Sylar is masquerading as Nathan now. Whatever, show. With the news that Heroes will be on against Gossip Girl, House, How I Met Your Mother, and The Big Bang Theory, there is no way for met to record Heroes, too. I think I'm finally bailing from this sinking ship.

Last call

It's my last night in the dorms before I leave for home. It makes me sad to see the campus so abandoned; a majority of people have already left. For as much bitching as I do about the dorms and school in general, on the whole I really like the people here. I'm surrounded by people who are accepting of all types, which has made me feel more comfortable in my own skin. This sounds sappy, but I've learned that most people actually are nice, and extreme assholes are outliers, not the norm.

God, I don't know where all that came from. It must be because I missed my Monday night dose of House (my tv is already packed). I just need to spend some time with my favorite doctor, and I'll be back to my usual snarky self.

Finding a metaphor

I read an article on slate.com about grieving. The author described the death of her mother, and how "finding a metaphor" helped her cope with the loss. For her, her mother is the sky. I've never told anyone this before, but I always think of my mom as a bird. Not just any bird, but a bird that soars high up in the sky, gliding without beating its wings.

My mom and I always joked about a "birdy council" watching over us. It all started because my favorite stuffed animal was a bird named Puffy. I created a story for Puffy in which she was a member of the birdy council. Whenever we saw a big group of birds sitting together, that would be a meeting of the council. Since then, my mom would tell the birdy council to "watch over us."

We had other connections to birds, also. I would find bird feathers in the yard and bring them back to her. They were always so soft and delicate. After she died, I found a couple of feathers in her wallet, tucked away safely. I never realized she had kept them for so long.

Now, it seems like every time I'm out, particularly when I'm driving, I see a bird flying high above me. I'll thank my mom for keeping an eye on me and keeping me safe. Part of me thinks this is silly, but a bigger part of me likes staying connected to her in some way. I don't know what happens after death, but I want to imagine my mother flying, graceful and free.