I've always been overweight. It wasn't so bad when I was a child, but as I got into my teens it got a lot worse. Mostly because of problems at home--my dad was a drunk asshole, so I stayed holed up in my room eating junk food to cope with it. It was a really bad time.
But after I moved out from under my father's roof, I lost a good bit of weight. That isn't to say that I'm skinny now--I'm not. My shirt size is still a large. But when you used to be a 1X, it feels good to say that you're a large. I've gotten a better attitude about exercise, toned up, decreased my soda intake, and in general I have felt a lot healthier in the past few years. I would still like to lose weight, but I'm not sweating it if I maintain my current weight. I'm happy.
Strangely, though, I still have the feeling like I'm the Fat Chick. You know, like I'm the largest girl in the room and everyone is staring at me, the freak. I know that's not true. I see women my size and larger every day on campus. Yet I still feel like I'm some hulking giant. When I meet new people I inwardly cringe, imagining the things they are thinking about my size. I'm incredibly insecure, and I hate that. It's this weird battle in my head in which I know that I'm not huge, but I still believe that's how I'm perceived. It's totally all in my head, and I don't know how to fix it.
It would be easy to just tell myself to have more confidence. That's something I've struggled with for awhile. I should just walk around telling myself that I'm the best bitch in town, and maybe someday I'll believe it. Fake it 'til you make it.
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