Sweet Valley High makes me crazy

Yesterday when I was at home for Fall Break, I was rereading an old Sweet Valley High book, because I'm cool like that. There are a lot of SVH recapping sites out there (I need to add them to my links at the left) but I decided to do my own spoof. This is for #115 The Treasure of Death Valley.

We start with six people heading in a bus to hike for four days through Death Valley. Jessica and Ken (dating), Elizabeth and Todd (still together, throughout all of Liz's cheating), and Bruce and Heather (our villains, who are surprisingly not a couple) were all chosen to participate because of the essays they wrote (ha! Liz, Todd, and Ken I can buy, but the other three? yeah right). They are dropped off in the desert and told they are being assigned a buddy, with which they must work with at all times. The buddies are these: Jess and Todd, Liz and Bruce, and Heather and Ken.

JESSICA: God, I hate Heather! Ken should be my buddy!
HEATHER (to Ken): Hey hey you you I don't like your girlfriend...
KEN: Relax, Jess. I would never cheat on you. YOU cheat on ME in a few books, remember?
TODD (to Liz): I wish you weren't paired with Bruce. You fooled around with him when you cheated on me for the 5000th time.
SAINT LIZ: I'm totally not listening to you. Since when have I cared about your feelings? Okay, I've appointed myself navigator of this group! Let's go!

Later...
BRUCE: Bitch bitch moan moan ooh a mine shaft!
SAINT LIZ: Bruce! Those are dangerous! You can't go in there!
(Bruce goes in there)
SAINT LIZ: I must follow him because of the buddy system!
TODD: I have to save Liz!
JESSICA: If Elizabeth dies, then whose identity will I steal? I'll come with you Todd!
KEN and HEATHER: Whatever, let's go pick flowers.
(Bruce, Liz, Jess and Todd emerge)
SAINT LIZ: Look at this bag I found. There's a diary in here about people that were conveniently in the same situation as we are now!
BRUCE: Bish plz, who cares about the diary? There's gold in here!
SAINT LIZ: The diary says we'll be cursed if we don't bury half the gold here. Let's do it.
JESSICA: Are you crazy??? It's gold.
SAINT LIZ: But the diary says-
JESSICA: GOLD
BRUCE: Hey, here's a map locating other gold mines! Let's follow it instead of our own map.
SAINT LIZ: But that's not safe! We only have four days to make it through the desert!
JESSICA: GOLD!
KANYE: I ain't saying she a gold digger...

Later...
HEATHER: I brought a tv with me, because I am a complete twit, and there are convicts on the loose in the desert!
JESSICA: This desert is huge, there are no convicts near us, now shut up.
HEATHER: Oh, I am so stealing your boyfriend now.
(Heather slides closer to Ken)
JESSICA: Oh yeah? Well, I'll just go flirt with Bruce.
BRUCE: Works for me.

Next morning...
HEATHER: I think the convicts were here! OMG!
EVERYONE ELSE: Shut up.
TODD: Hey, I'm going to be the navigator today even though I am totally incompetent.
JESSICA: Here, Todd, let me help. We need to go this way.
(Jess points Todd in the direction of more gold)
SAINT LIZ: Something is going on here! We're going the wrong way. Jess, you're leading us to gold, aren't you? I can't believe you would do this to us!
ME: Wow, you need to reread the last 100 books.

Later...
(The gang approaches a river they need to cross)
KEN: Okay, we'll make a chain. Heather will be next to me.
JESSICA: Oh, hells no.
(Jess pushes Heather aside. Heather loses her backpack)
HEATHER (points at Jessica): This is all your fault!
JESSICA: Boo, you whore.
KEN: I can't believe you're being so childish, Jessica. You're not the girl I thought you were.
ME: Again, you people seriously need to read your own books.

Next day...
HEATHER: Here's bunch of boulders we need to cross. I'm just going to do cheerleader jumps across them.
SAINT LIZ: Heather, that's not safe!
HEATHER: Hey guys, watch this!
(Heather goes splat)
HEATHER: Oh, my ankle!
JESSICA: HA HA HA!
KEN, BRUCE, and TODD: Heather, you're in such pain. Let us carry you around and protect you.
SAINT LIZ and JESSICA: The attention is off of the Wakefield twins. Heather must die.

Later...
HEATHER: My ankle hurts so bad! Thanks for carrying me Ken.
KEN: Of course, Heather. But I'm getting tired. Let's take a break.
(storm clouds roll in)
SAINT LIZ: We're lost in the middle of the desert and now we're in the middle of a torrential rain storm!
EVERYONE: This is your fault Jessica!
JESSICA: Whatevs.
HEATHER: Even if this rain doesn't drown us, the convicts will get us!
EVERYONE: Shut up.

To be continued...