Stopping the silence

It's been a struggle for me to read about Chris Brown allegedly beating Rihanna. All over the internet, I hear people calling her stupid for going back to him, saying that she deserves whatever he gives her. And that's not cool. It is never okay to blame the victim.

My mother was married to my father for thirty years. He was abusive to her. The physical violence didn't occur often, but it was enough. When he wasn't physically abusing her, he was emotionally abusive. He criticized her weight, her intelligence, controlled where she went and what she did. He broke her self-esteem and made her feel like she was useless, even though she was a popular, well-respected teacher. We tried to leave him when I was about ten, and he threatened to kill her parents. So we came back.

She knew what he was doing was wrong, but she was so scared. This was a man she loved, that she had built a life with, that she had two children with. She was terrified that if she left, he would get shared custody of me, and she wouldn't leave me alone with him. She had a loving, supportive family that she could have gone to for help, but she didn't, because she was scared. She was ashamed to admit to everyone that her family was broken. People like to say that victims should just up and leave their abusers, but it's just not that simple. Anyone who thinks it is has never been in the situation.

When I was seventeen, we packed up and moved out, serving my father with a restraining order. That night, he showed up drunk, with guns, on my sister's doorstep. Luckily, she and her husband were there and called the police. My father was in jail for six weeks. That was the last time I saw him. It's been nearly five years.

My mother died eight months after we left my father. She only had eight months of freedom, but I'm grateful that she finally found the strength to leave my father and got to be free of him for her last days on earth. Most important to her was that she got me out of the situation. I'll never forget all that she did to keep me safe.

All of this is to show that abusive situations are incredibly difficult to navigate. Rihanna, hopefully, will learn that she can find the courage to walk away. People on the internet like to cry, "But Chris Brown seems so sweet! He's so charming!" That's the same thing people say about my father; even now, people are incredulous when they learn of his abuse. Abusers come in all shapes and forms, just as victims do. No one is exempt. That's why we need to stop the silence and TALK about domestic violence. It can happen to anyone. And Rihanna needs to know that she has nothing to be ashamed of, because she has done nothing wrong. She deserves respect and support, not condescending derision. She may be a victim of domestic violence, but she can also be a survivor.