Sometimes when you're alone, all you do is think

It's a dreary gray day, and I'm feeling melancholy. I move back to school on Sunday. I hate moving. You would think I would be a pro at it, because in the past four years I've lived in two houses, two apartments, and two dorm rooms. Yet I still dread it.

I feel uneasy about going back to school. I'm worried about the course load (very writing intensive) and meeting my new roommate (we've only talked through email). I'm worried about the fact that in another year I will be done with school but may not be able to find a job due to where I live and the shitty state of the economy.

I read a quote in a magazine yesterday by author Brenda Hammond. "If fear alters behavior, you're already defeated." That struck a chord in me. I really do let my fears consume me. Fear that I won't be good enough, that I'll fail, that I'll be unhappy. So I play it safe. I stick to my same routine, never reaching for anything more than what I already have. And I'm tired of it.

I always depend on others to tell me that I'm okay, that I'm on the right path. I feed off of their validation. I never trust myself. I'm 21 years old and I'm taking a backseat to my own life. And I'm tired of it.

Things have to change, and they have to start now. This rut I'm in has left me incredibly unsatisfied. I know there's more out there. I just have to find it. It won't be easy, but ten years from now I don't want to wonder what might have been.

Outside my window are several large bushes. I don't know what they are, but there are a bunch of little butterflies flitting around them. Maybe this day isn't as gray as I thought.